Birth envy

This blog is about what's on my mind and what's been on my mind a lot lately, especially since one of my best friends just gave birth, is my own birth stories.

I had two c-sections.  Two operations.

I had postpartum depression.... twice.

No one should have to go through that, but I did.  No one should feel absolute disdain for their baby, a feeling of wanting to run away, tremendous and overwhelming guilt. No one should have to recover from a major abdominal surgery while taking care of a newborn - nursing, rocking, holding, swaddling, doctor's appointments, stroller walks, playdates, etc, etc.

Yeah, I sound like a whiney bitch, but I'm just telling you how it is.

My heart breaks every time I hear a friend's birth story. Yeah, they're tired. Yeah, they are recovering from childbirth, but either they didn't have a c-section and/or didn't have postpartum depression. I really feel jipped, like I didn't get a real chance to enjoy my newborns. I know it goes by in a quick blur for everyone, but I feel like my newborns experienced a completely incompetent mother, one riddled with fear and anxiety. Sigh.

I just have to get over this somehow. I mean, I do accept my birth stories. I accept that I had c-sections and that I had and overcame PPD. Still, my heart pangs with jealousy every single time I talk to a new mom, who had a "normal" mom experience.... a vaginal birth... normal baby blues and not overwhelming PPD that requires medication. I have to remind myself that I am not a failure. That I AM a "normal" mother who experienced abnormal circumstances and dealt with them. I should tell myself that I am strong for seeking help and recovering and mothering the best I could.

I think I can. I think I can.

I know I can.