Future ramblings

So my time as a teacher is winding down.... at least in my current assignment.
That brings with it mixed emotions. I've enjoyed getting out of the house... feeling needed by other adults (other than my husband) and helping the kids.

The kids have, shall we say, been a bit challenging. They have their share of issues.  One boy is on psychotropic medication (sp?), another should be in therapy, or at least special ed, but his mother refuses to sign the paperwork, another boy is in the process of being adopted and has been institutionalized several times. Despite their blemishes, the kids are really great and, I believe, smart. Of course they don't apply themselves when needed. That can be very frustrating.

It's also strange because the two teachers (4th grade) that I work with are both being "let go." This brings back (bad) memories, as the same thing happened to me. It's hard for me to think of myself as incompetent. I'd like to think that I was, and am, a better teacher than THEY are. I don't like feeling that way. For one, I feel guilty for looking down on them. Also, I hate to compare. I did apply for a 3rd grade teacher at the school. I'm not expecting to hear anything.

I have learned a lot from my three month gig. I met another really cool teacher, who I hope to keep in touch with. She is going to be teaching 4th grade there next year.  Hopefully I can help her set up her classroom.

As for me, I look forward to taking some time off and spending quality time with the kids. School will be out for Lydia soon. I'm going to put her in some summer camps to keep her busy at least 1-2 days a week. The other days I hope to plan out a little so that we have some structure.  I wouldn't go so far to say I plan to homeschool, but let's say Lydia will have "Mama" school this summer.  I'm not going to go overboard though. I think we need some unplanned, free play time mixed in as well.

Will I go back to work full time? That's yet to be determined. It would have to be a really amazing gig. Also, if I go back, I would strongly consider getting a bigger house. It would make the hard work a little more worth it.  The practical side of me says put the extra money into paying down debt and the kids' college funds.

Birth envy

This blog is about what's on my mind and what's been on my mind a lot lately, especially since one of my best friends just gave birth, is my own birth stories.

I had two c-sections.  Two operations.

I had postpartum depression.... twice.

No one should have to go through that, but I did.  No one should feel absolute disdain for their baby, a feeling of wanting to run away, tremendous and overwhelming guilt. No one should have to recover from a major abdominal surgery while taking care of a newborn - nursing, rocking, holding, swaddling, doctor's appointments, stroller walks, playdates, etc, etc.

Yeah, I sound like a whiney bitch, but I'm just telling you how it is.

My heart breaks every time I hear a friend's birth story. Yeah, they're tired. Yeah, they are recovering from childbirth, but either they didn't have a c-section and/or didn't have postpartum depression. I really feel jipped, like I didn't get a real chance to enjoy my newborns. I know it goes by in a quick blur for everyone, but I feel like my newborns experienced a completely incompetent mother, one riddled with fear and anxiety. Sigh.

I just have to get over this somehow. I mean, I do accept my birth stories. I accept that I had c-sections and that I had and overcame PPD. Still, my heart pangs with jealousy every single time I talk to a new mom, who had a "normal" mom experience.... a vaginal birth... normal baby blues and not overwhelming PPD that requires medication. I have to remind myself that I am not a failure. That I AM a "normal" mother who experienced abnormal circumstances and dealt with them. I should tell myself that I am strong for seeking help and recovering and mothering the best I could.

I think I can. I think I can.

I know I can.

First Time

I have so many random thoughts running through my head lately, I figure I'd better write them down.

I have another blog on here, but it's been so long since I've written (i.e. years), I figured I'd better start anew.

My life isn't that interesting. I know that. But I have a lot to talk about and I need to force myself to "jot" those thoughts down.

Some will be funny.

Some will be serious. Some will be seriously funny. Ok, probably not, but I hope so!

Hop to it girl.... get to postin'.